What an Adoptive Mom Wants Us to Know

{Mom Unity} Episode 1: Adoption

Some say, ignorance is bliss. Truly, though, ignorance doesn’t bring bliss–ignorance brings miscommunications, lack of understanding, compassionless & superior behavior, and isolation.

When we are ignorant of what another mom is facing, we lack the ability to empathize and love her well. We women are often the worst culprits of comparing, critiquing and tearing others down; therefore, as moms–often insecure ourselves–we easily fall into this division causing behavior especially with moms who are different than us.

Malachi 2:10 reads, “Do we not all have one Father? Has not one God created us? Why do we deal treacherously with one another, profaning the covenant of our fathers [with God]?”

In this {Mom Unity} series, I am working to represent the needs and hearts of moms who may be walking a different kind of motherhood than you.

In this series, I have asked all of the moms these three questions:

1. What is your greatest need?

2. What do you want my kids to know about yours?

3. What do you desire most from other moms?

Episode 1: Adoptive Moms

What is her greatest need?

Think before asking her a question, and remember her children can hear what you’re asking. Please know that she does not mind questions and even likes them because it gives her a chance to share God’s faithfulness and her heart for adoption. But, think about the best way and time to ask those questions of the adoptive momma.

Some practical tips for asking questions of an adoptive momma, preface it with something like, “Do you mind if I ask you…” or “I know there is likely a better way to ask this, but I don’t know what it is…” This takes momma off the defensive; she has a momma bear heart just like you do, and her main priority (over answering your question) is guarding her littles.

What does she want our kids to know about hers?

I love what this momma shared here–it is so simple, but beautiful. “Different is different, but it is not bad.” She shared that is seems somewhere in our growing up years we learn that when people do something differently than we do, they are doing it wrong–it’s why stereotypes, racism, & division exist. She wants our kids to know that her adopted kiddos (especially of different ethnicities) already know they’re different.  She wants our kids to learn, along with us, to celebrate God’s incredible creativity displayed in His most precious creation–people.

She also urges us to have conversations with our people about adoption. To help them learn empathy for adopted children, and to avoid those painful questions of “why didn’t your real family want you?” or “where is your real mom?”  Using the example of Father God adopting all of us, may make it feel less distant.

About her kiddos, lastly, she wants us and our people to know that her kids are just kids.  They are mischievous, love to read books, want to play outside, eat treats, and they cry when they get hurt–they just look different on the outside (often).

What does she most desire from other moms?

Here’s where you lean in, mommas.  This is where we learn to love adoptive mommas well with Jesus-level love.

This particular momma wants us to know that her adoptive kids might have some real issues. The pounding on the ground fit in the Target aisle might have less to due with her parenting style and more to do with attachment disorders. Her kids might have terrible table manners because they came from a place without tables. The aloof or even mean behavior you receive from her children is likely connected to her child’s fear of yet another rejection.  Essentially, lend loads of grace.

And, you know, mommas isn’t that what we all need from each other?  We need them to recognize that we are broken people raising broken people and we are all desperately in need of grace.  Since Jesus freely pours grace out for us, let’s aim to start pouring more grace out for each other.  And next time you encounter an adoptive mom, let her know you admire her and ask how you can best pray for her.

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