Category Archives: messy days

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Screaming or submitting

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Sitting next to my sister-in-law’s hospital bed, in the leukemia wing of MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, my grief for her suffering became suffocating. I wanted to walk out into the hallways, command the attention of every doctor and nurse and yell, “Do something! Fix this! It’s been too long!”

I wanted to bust her and my tenacious brother-in-law out of that hospital and bring them home to have dinner and play card games. My heart screams–it’s been too long, too much.

“For God alone my soul waits in silence and quietly submits to Him, For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; My fortress and my defense, I will not be shaken or discouraged.” Psalm 62:5-6‬ ‭AMP‬‬ [emphasis mine]

David’s psalm pleads with my screaming soul to wait.

To quietly submit.

Because He ONLY is our rock and salvation (also translated hope).

So, for me and for you–I know I’m not the only one wanting to bust out of a situation–this is what I pray.

Father,

By faith, I agree with Your Word–You only are our hope. I tell my soul to stop being agitated and to accept the free gift of peace that you promise me regardless of circumstances. As you give that peace that is unlike any the world can give, I choose, by your Holy Spirit’s power, to quietly submit. I choose to trust Your love that sent your only son to the cross. Help me in my screaming, agitated, unbelief.

Amen.

Amen, sisters.

 

 

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When You Need His Truth

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I can still see my brother-in-law sitting beside my sister-in-law’s bed in the Intensive Care Unit last May–his head was resting on her beside as he held his iphone, which played the song, “Here’s My Heart, Lord.”  As I stood in the doorway of the room, gripped with sadness and fear, the words of the song permeated the atmosphere. “Here’s my heart, Lord. Speak what is true.”

In the days that followed, God did indeed speak to each of our hearts in different ways and at different times, but it was always truth.  He used His Word, His Holy Spirit, and His precious people to speak truth to our family as we sat in the ICU waiting room. We claimed the truth that God is a healer, that He is in control, that He wasn’t surprised, and that He is good. My sister-in-law, walked out of that hospital weeks after the doctors, essentially, told us to say our goodbyes. Hallelujah to the God of miracles.

As many of you know, we are expecting to add a fourth arrow to our quiver at the beginning of May. After a second ultrasound, our doctor reported to us that I have a condition called placenta accreta.  I will spare you a blog full of medical jargon and explanation.  Here are the facts that matter for this post–our sweet son is beautiful, perfect, and will continue developing wonderfully (he is also already working on his chubby cheeks as he’s measuring 2 weeks ahead by way of size); the risk factors with this condition really only come into play during delivery–it’s riskier for me (not for our boy), and he will need to be delivered by 36 weeks. (If you want more information on the condition, just Google it).

As we walked out of our OB’s office, thoughts were moving quickly and in fragments through my mind–I might be asleep for Ryker’s first hours of life, I need to call my mom, I don’t have diapers for him yet; should I? No, not yet.  I’d been talking with God about my fears since getting the phone call that we’d need a second ultrasound to determine whether I did indeed have this condition. I had walked into the appointment with a confident peace that regardless of the doctor’s report, God is working good, but the enemy is so good at poking holes in our peace.

After all the facts and information, and all the, we aren’t quite sures the heaviness of it all began to settle in on my heart as did the old fear and lies of the enemy.  And, once again, as I did in May, needed to cry out to God for Him to speak truth to my heart.  The kind of truth He spoke to us when my sister was in ICU–a truth that surpasses human understanding and medical reports.

And, mommas, our God faithfully began speaking to my heart–I could feel Him lifting me up out of fears, as if He gently placed his hands under my chin and pulled my gaze to meet His own.  And, I could hear the truth that I’ve found in this song so many times since May.

‘Cause I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I’m made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free.

I don’t know what makes your thoughts feel fragmented today–medical situations, broken relationships, grief, financial strain, a rebellious child, feeling like a failure as a wife or mom–whatever it is, let your Father lift your eyes to meet His and let Him speak truth to your heart. Hearing His truth changes everything. 

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A New Year or a New Day?

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A brand new planner, all different colors of Sharpie pens that I got in my Christmas stocking, a stack of books I’m itching to read–all of these things stir up some tiny butterflies in my stomach for the beginning of a new year.

In the past, I have set a list of goals to accomplish in the new year.  Sometimes the goals were far too lofty, sometimes they were measurable and attainable, but I neglected to plan the steps to accomplish the goal. This year, rather than setting goals for the year (which I still think is a wonderful practice when it is done with prayer and planning), I have set some goals for the next eight weeks as part of an accountability group I am leading. I am not asserting that this kind of goal setting is by nature superior to year’s worth of goals.  However, as I have prepared for this 8-week period, it has made me realize that if I had to choose between a new day and a new year, I would choose a new day.

Bill Gates is often quoted for saying, ““Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years.”

While I believe this is absolutely true, I am absolutely convinced that most of us also underestimate what we can do in one day. I am guilty of writing off a day before it has begun– a sick husband, a terrible night of sleep because one of my kids was up coughing during the night, or even a to-do list that is just too long can make me call the day a loss before I even eat breakfast. Or, I do imagine that I can knock out my to-do list for a day, but underestimate, then, my ability to be patient and gracious by the time evening rolls around.

I know our days are full, mommas, and they can be incredibly unpredictable.  The direction of your day can change dramatically simply because your easy-going two year old has molars coming in that no longer make him easy-going. But, I have a few steps to help us stop underestimating our days.

  1. Measure correctly: if you’re like me, you may be underestimating what can be accomplished in your day because you’re measuring your to-do list against your strength rather than His.  Zechariah 4:6 tells us, “‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.” Be sure you have the correct measuring tape.
  2. Plan Prayerfully: take a few minutes in the evening, if you can, or when you wake up in the morning to prayerfully make some plans for the day–let the Holy Spirit guide you.  Sometimes, our plans fall to pieces because they are our plans and we’re asking God to equip us for something He didn’t call us to today.
  3. Accept Small Steps: this is so difficult for me–accept that something is still something and is, indeed, better than nothing. R. Collier said, “Success is made up of the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out.”  Small efforts, don’t knock them!

Here we go, mommas — by His strength, under the Holy Spirit’s guidance, we will make small steps of progress and stop underestimating what God might do through us today.